I hope as you read this you are doing and feeling well. I'm well. My family is well. Work is well. And well...
This moment is time is an eye-opener, isn't it? We're all learning about how much we really don't have a reliable government, but most importantly, we're learning more about ourselves. Right now, you're true self is alive and in HD whether you would admit to yourself or not. That may be scary for some but liberating for others. What more have I learned about myself in these past 8 weeks? Not only that I've acknowledged already I have a temper issue named Drogona and have done tremendous work on taming Drogona, I've learned more about my temper. It's NOT an anger management issue, it's a personal choice issue. A choice that may or may not always be in my control. (keeping Drogona sleep). For some of us, medication is necessary. For others, an isolated cell block is necessary. I prefer medication and prayer. I've always known I have triggers, like any and everyone else. But how I manage when triggered is what I work on everyday. And also identifying the difference between 1) a trigger and 2) a plain ol' fucked-up individual who can't do better in his/her life.
I've also learned that I'm too nice to "nice people" too long. Sounds crazy, right? But it's not. What I mean is, I've learned that although I may be fond of someone who I respect and admire, they may not respect and admire me in return. Just because they're not rapists and murderers doesn't excuse their actions done to me. For example, "I may have gossiped to shame her, lied to her to hurt her, and successfully stole from her for years, but at least I didn't kill her cat", said by a "nice" person. And to discover that without having some sort of violent, police-calling incident. Hard to swallow that truth...still. Some of you may already know about the fucked-up friends I've encountered in the past 3 - 4 years. And I was too nice to those bottom-feeders for too long. Well, during these past 8 weeks, I've discovered that I'm still doing that same bullshit by being too nice to "nice" people! And I HAVE to take accountability and accept I made the decision to keep Drogona sleep to avoid a scene because of the respect and admiration I may have for someone, even though Drogona's in the back giving me the side-eye. I've also learned that letting Drogona loose has been stress-relieving af. She solves problems quick! Cutting people off is stress-relieving af too, doesn't feel as good as releasing Drogona, but still feels good. So, to continue on this journey of tranquility, I'm going to continue to manage Drogona and stop being too nice to "nice" people. Some how.
It's nothing hard about self-discovery. I think what makes it hard is applying the changes you seek to have. Well, I'm applying this shit. It's either you get cut off or Drogona wakes up. No more turning the other cheek shit. No more ignoring passive aggressive behavior. No more abusing my niceness. Peter said, "Eye for an eye, dammit!"
I need and deserve good and DECENT people in my life if I want to feel safe in my circle. So, going forward, there'll be some situations and relationships changing in my life. Just remember, for me, Drogona needs to stay sleep!
So. what have you discovered about yourself while being quarantined?
P.S. I love Jesus and cuss like a motherfuckah.
P.P.S. I did a blog about wolves in sheepskin. Go check it out.